


Better Than Taco Sex

by zeldafire



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Christmas, Established Relationship, Fluff, It's not sex, M/M, Peter's a nerd, Spideypool - Freeform, Wade thinks it's sex, surprise present
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2015-11-28
Packaged: 2018-05-03 17:23:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5300009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeldafire/pseuds/zeldafire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter has one more present for Wade, but it's definitely a surprise and he's not telling.  Wade wants to know why he can't just stay in his pjs all day.  That, or get naked.  Putting on real pants is a huge bummer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better Than Taco Sex

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! So, this is my first Spideypool fic, and my first fic since probably 2008 or so. I was expecting to hate it, but I actually love it. Hope you enjoy.
> 
> (And I apologize, it's still November and I'm posting Christmas fics! I waited until after Thanksgiving and it's killing me not having this posted!)
> 
> {white box}  
> [yellow box]  
>  _Wade's "own" thoughts_
> 
> Beta'd by the lovely [cortexikid](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cortexikid/profile)
> 
> My [tumblr](http://mszeldafire.tumblr.com/).

“Thank you, Wade,” Peter smiled as he snuggled into Wade’s neck. “I can’t remember the last time Christmas felt this special.” Wade hummed in response.

“Anything for you, Baby Boy.”

Peter planted a kiss on his neck, then suddenly pulled away. Wade was startled slightly by the action, but a quick glance into hazel eyes told him Peter was excited about something. 

“I’ve got one last present for you. It’s a bit of a surprise.”

[Ooo, we like surprises.]

{Especially of the sexy kind.}

“Of the sexy kind?” Wade asked hopefully.

“Sorry, no.” 

Wade frowned. 

“We can’t _both_ have gotten me lingerie for Christmas!”

“Who said it’d be for you?” Peter’s brows furrowed. “You’re not the only one with a nice ass, you know.” 

Peter smirked. “True,” he purred appreciatively, crawling back toward Wade. “And I _am_ partial to pink lace…” Wade received a quick peck on the lips before Peter sprang up again. “Now come on, put some pants on, we gotta go out for this.” 

“You’re the biggest tease, Petey,” he groaned as Peter disappeared into the bedroom, tossing his pajama pants back through the doorway at him. Wade huffed as he got up from the couch.

[Petey’s naked in there.]

{He’s putting clothes _on_.}

[The clothes are going in the wrong direction.]

“Who goes out on Christmas day?” Wade groused as he made his way to the bedroom. “We’re supposed to wake up, run wide-eyed down the stairs, open presents from Santa, eat pastry for breakfast, and play with our toys all day! One particular toy I’d like to play with…” Wade trailed off as he grabbed Peter’s boxer-clad booty. Peter squeaked and slapped his hands away, not even looking over as he pulled a sweater over his head.

“Later. Dress warm,” Peter continued as his fished out his thick wool socks. “We’ll be outside for quite a bit.”

Wade knew whining would get him nowhere, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t fun.

“Now you’re making us go outside? You’ve ruined the spirit of Christmas.”

He was met with silence. 

Wade let his pjs fall down around his ankles and shuffled toward Peter, who easily dodged his impaired advances. “Look at Little Wade, he’s already cold and lonely. And you’re gonna make him go outside?”

Peter moved into Wade’s space, keeping an intense amount of eye contact.

[Ooo. We knew he couldn’t resist!]

Wade grinned and bristled with excitement.

“Here,” Peter said flatly, thrusting a pair of jeans into Wade’s hands. “Your hoodie’s in the closet.” He pushed past the taller man, leaving Wade alone and sulking.

“Fine, but this had better be the best Christmas surprise ever! Better than taco sex!”

~*~

It had snowed off and on during the week leading up to Christmas, turning the city a sparkling white until the cars and exhaust transformed the streets to muddied slush. Wade and Peter treaded carefully over the icy sidewalk as they made their way through the quiet city, light flakes falling around them. Only a few lonely souls joined them on the subway, and Wade remained relatively quiet as the train click-clacked over the tracks.

{Where is he taking us?}

[New strip club? Tell me Petey found a new strip club!]

{Peter would never take us to a strip club.}

[Hey, this is Christmas! The most wonderful time of the year. Miracles can happen. As long as we’re on 34th street.]

_Petey’s not taking us to a strip club. He’s nervous, but not **that** nervous._

Wade was still postulating where they could possibly be headed when Peter stood up, indicating their stop was next. Peter had been silent almost the entire ride, a habit he had when he wanted something to go right but couldn’t help but worry it would all go wrong. Wade could sympathize. The only difference being he let his mouth run when Peter’s clammed up.

Wade watched and followed as Peter exited the car and lead them up the wet flight of stairs into the cold winter air, the day bright despite the clouds. He loved how much more crisp the cold air felt when juxtaposed with the intense diffused sunlight. Wade took a moment to breathe deeply and enjoy the time out in the open.

“Over here,” Peter’s voice broke in. He motioned to an alley and Wade dutifully followed.

[Dark alley?]

{Dark alley.}

“An alley? We’ve got plenty of those closer to home, you know. Though, if you wanted to try someplace new, I’m not complain—”

“Wade! It’s not sex! We’re not having sex in an alley halfway across town on Christmas morning! What kind of depraved person do you think I am?”

“Depraved? That’s me, Baby Boy. Now, Christmas-Sex Miser. That’s aaalll you.”

Peter scoffed as he flipped up his hood and hunched down slightly, bending at the knees. “Just shut up and climb on my back, ok?”

“I thought you said this wasn’t a sex thing?”

“It’s not.”

“You’re making that hard to believe.”

[Why are you complaining?! We crawl on his back all the time! We love it! Don’t argue!]

{Just do!}

“If it looks like a sex thing, but isn’t a sex thing, then I don’t follow and I ain’t climbin’. Too many cinnamon rolls this morning.”

[Cinnamon rolls?]

“Too much sugar. Brain short-circuited. No attention span.”

{You never have an attention span.}

“I so do!”

“Wade!”

“Yes my irate spider?”

“This is not a sex thing. We just can’t go the rest of the way on foot,” Peter explained, glancing up the red brick wall.

“Oh.” Wade understood and pulled his own hood down closer around his face. Peter turned back around and Wade looped his arms around his neck. Peter reached back and grabbed the underside of Wade’s thighs, pulling him up so the larger man could wrap his legs around his waist. Once situated, Peter began to climb.

~*~

“Uh, Peter,” Wade’s hushed tone floated over the younger man’s shoulder. “Not that I’m anyone to comment on the legality of breaking and entering, but why are we breaking and entering? The zoo. On Christmas Day?”

“Hush before you make me rethink one of the few morally dubious actions of my life.”

“There are others? Ooh, Petey, I’m swooning.”

~*~

The stealth didn’t end once Peter had managed to get them up, over, and into the zoo. Unhappily for Wade, he could handle the rest of the sneaking on his own two feet.

[I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known.]

{“Lonely” my ass. Peter’s right here.}

[But we’re not touching him anymore. We’re needy.]

“Humming while attempting to sneak may not be the recommended course of action, as jovial as Green Day may be,” Peter whispered with a smirk.

“No need to be sarcastic,” Wade pouted.

“Oh, there is every need to be sarcastic when dating Deadpool.”

“Point.”

“We’re here.” Peter turned away from Wade to look out over an empty exhibit. A disgruntled noise issued from the back of his throat. “Mmm. Must be inside,” he concluded, indicating a building twenty feet away. The large sign above the door read “Wild Africa.” 

[Simba!]

“Ooh, Peter, are you gonna make me king of the jungle?!” Peter chuckled. “This is great!” Wade continued as they moved toward the building. “I’ll have my own pride, and all those sassy lionesses to go hunting for me. Never lift a finger! But you’ll be my one and only, Petey Pie. No ‘Nala eyes’ can pull me in!” Peter groaned, but the smile never left his lips. 

Peter proffered a lock pick. Wade took it and started working on the door without missing a beat.

“Oh! And we can have a pride Pride party!” The lock clicked and they made their way inside. “Reading between the chaste Disney lines, I’m sure that’s all my uncle ever wanted. He’d never throw me off a cliff after that! Not like it’d matter much if he did…”

“Wade, look.”

They looked out over the exhibit. A few scraggly trees stood in the corner over a small patch of grass, which gave way to a small sandy strip that dissolved into an artificial pool. The walls created an uncanny backdrop, the painted savanna scene fading with age. Three hippos stood submerged near the edge of the pool, only their rounded eyes and ears visible above the murky water.

“I’m sorry it’s kind of impossible to get you an _actual_ hippo,” Peter began. “As much as I’m sure you’d legitimately want one around the apartment.”

[Who wouldn’t?]

_Shhh, he’s being serious._

“But I thought this would be the next best thing. So…Merry Christmas.” Peter gave a lopsided grin, his eyes a mixture of expectant and anxious, making Wade’s heart flop-flip despite his brain’s confusion.

“Baby Boy, as much fun as it’s been breaking into the zoo to look at hippos with you, I don’t actually get it. Is this your way of telling me you’re pregnant, because if so—”

“What!?”

“You know, Taweret, Ancient Egyptian hippo goddess. Protection. Fertility. You should really know these things, this is _your_ present to _me_.”

It was Peter’s turn to look confused. 

“Wade, no, I… I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

Wade held eye contact, expectant.

{That’ll break him.}

[If we don’t smooch him first.]

_I thought I told you to shush._

[Can’t shush me, I’m the gingerbread man.]

“Look, the other day,” Peter’s voice continued, soft and low. “I heard you singing to yourself, ‘I want a hippopotamus for Christmas, the kind I saw this summer at the zoo…’ I mean,” Peter’s hand shot to the back of his neck, Wade’s favorite nervous tick. “I thought it was kind of a weird wish, but sometimes who can tell with you…” Wade’s bark of laughter cut him off.

“Oh. My. Thor. Peter, you literal-minded, non-figurative, analytical nerd.” He watched Peter’s face scrunch up and his lips puff out in a frown. “It’s a _song_.”

“A song?”

“1953. Gayla Peevey. Terrible name. Even terribler song.”

“‘Terribler’ isn’t a word.”

“Off topic.”

“Hypocrite.”

Wade couldn’t help a warm chuckle.

“Peter?”

“Yes?” Peter’s voice was cautious.

“Thank you.”

The tension in Peter’s body melted away. “You’re welcome.”

Wade moved over to wrap his arms around his lover’s neck. They stood there for a few silent moments, watching as the hippos splashed lightly in the water. Wade nuzzled into messy auburn hair, and Peter’s hands snaked up to grasp the wrists resting securely on his chest.

“Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas.”

**Author's Note:**

> I have a serious love for the thought that Wade has an inordinate amount of knowledge locked away up there. He's that guy that knows the most random facts about anything and everything. Watch out, Alex Trebek!
> 
> Wanna learn some stuff?
> 
> In doing a little bit of research on NYC’s zoos so I could accurately depict the breaking and entering, I discovered that none of them actually have hippos. D: NYC has four zoos, but no hippos. So we’re just going to have to stretch our imaginations a little here.
> 
> Actual interesting material on hippos in Ancient Egyptian myth: Taweret, a bipedal female hippopotamus with large breasts and a pregnant belly, is the protective goddess of childbirth and fertility, as well as Seth’s (the god of chaos) consort. She later rebelled against him to join the forces of light and Horus, Seth’s rival. [Yay wiki!]


End file.
